Friday, April 12, 2013

Alive again

I've made some real progress in my life. I'm back to feeling alive again. Back to feeling like I can take on the world, and back to giving a crap about everything! WOW. Imagine what you would feel like if you knew the one thing in the world that would destroy your motivation and you made the necessary changes to remove this from your life? That is what a desk job does for me, sucks away all my motivation and all my energy. Now, don't get me wrong, I am definitely one who can sit on my computer for hours at a time drawing or amusing myself on Pinterest, but working in a chair, at a desk, with a computer in front of me and the phone ringing non stop and needing to be at my desk to help you and answer your questions is just no life for me. 

That smile that you see on my face is for real now! 

It's definitely a little bittersweet. I can't help but want to talk to you about your car and ask you a million questions about it. I'm just really glad I don't have to sell you anything for it anymore, cuz you turn into a jerk when you have to spend money on it. 

So now I'm working at a very busy restaurant. I love it. I'm a hostess and it's just insanity, we're always busy, always running around like fools with our heads cut off and just basking in the lunacy.... ok wait... maybe it's just me. I love every second of the manic stampedes of crowds that tromp through the door. It certainly doesn't fulfill my craving to see your car and touch your car and talk to you about your car, but the pace of it all keeps my mind off those desires. It almost brings a serene silence to my mind as I'm rushing around setting up tables and telling people "no, thats not your table", "you can't seat yourself, go to the host stand", "we're quoting about 3 hours right now for a table" and my favorite, "yes, you definitely can pay not to wait" but don't offer me a $5, make it worth my time, $50 sounds about good. 

I'm not saying I don't get frustrated with your stupid questions and you thinking that since you see an open table it must be yours, and our 3 hour wait must be bogus, of course I get frustrated, and maybe even a little bitchy, but that's just cuz I have to repeat that same explanation over and over to 600+ guests in a 5 hour period. Don't walk in immediately bitching, your service will suck and you will sit in bird shit. And it's not like I can make the birds shit, they aren't little remote control birds, and I'm definitely not the one throwing food on the floor here. I mean come on people. Karma will always find you.

I don't know if you're aware of this but basically if a restaurant is quoting 3 hours that means the WHOLE ENTIRE restaurant will get sat about two times before you get a table. In my particular situation, that means... with 80 tables in the restaurant averaging 4 people per table which equals about... 320 people to seat BEFORE YOU!!! 320 other HUMAN BEINGS that are just as hungry as you are, with the same or more problems as you're experiencing came in earlier and planned better than you. Sorry about your luck, here's your bird shit. Uh buh bye. 

I've also learned how amazingly selfish most people are. I hear guests all the time like 
"can't you tell them to get up"
"who cares about the reservation" (aka the person who called 3 months ago to reserve that table) 
"let us sit there" 
"We have kids!!!"
"Yeah and so does that reservation, and it's little Suzie's 3rd birthday and their family tradition is to come here on her birthday because this is her favorite place and all four of her 90 year old grandparents are attending as well." If you don't like our wait, McDonald's is 3.4 miles up the road!!

There's a huge lack of humanity amongst people now. Now I'm not overly religious or anything, but where the hell are your morals people!?!?!?! Think of what you're teaching your kids!!! Now you might find this outrageous that we'll give tables to people who pay, but generally they're the ones who understand, they're the ones who are usually nicer, they're the ones who realize 'hey these girls are working hard, I want to eat, maybe there's a way to squeeze us in a little faster??' So that's how we justify it. 
Being a self-righteous, inhumane jerk = WAIT. 
Being a generally awesome human being = EAT. 
Learn it, live it, love it!

I'm not kidding about the bird shit either, people get shit on all the time. It's so hilarious to me too how people think they have to tell me they got shit on last time they ate here. Like okay, maybe you should ask to sit inside....? Um, hello we are civilized human beings who have spent hundreds of decades improving our shelters in order to protect us from the 'elements' and yet you still want to be outside... then you deal with nature. Sorry were you expecting a free meal? I get shit on at least once a year, I'm prone to believe this really is a sign of good luck, but I guess that just comes down to how you look at life. 

And people wonder why I love nature so much. :) 
I love CK Lewis' standup where he asks why people are so uncomfortable on the planet we call home. If this is home, why are we so miserable? Why do we hate everything about it? It's either too hot or too cold or too muggy or too wet or too much bird shit. 
Shut up, smile and deal with it.

Have a great day!


Nick Bailey said...

Holy shit girl you feel better now

Sierra Benson said...

Of course!!! hahahaha :)

Sasha Benson said...

I seriously love this.

And I love how you worded the "320 people" that need to seat before a guest who just walked in. That is so true! I like to tell people something of that nature. It is a reality smack in the face.

You did, however, forget one thing...
Guest: "How much longer do I have to wait?"
Us: "Well, you checked in 15 minutes ago, and we said 90 minutes to 2 hours........ So, you still have 1hr & 15 min to 1hr and 45 min to go :D"

30 minutes later..

Guest: "How much longer do we have NOW!?"
Us: "Well. you checked in 45 minutes ago, and we said 90 min to 2 hrs..... So, you still have 45 min to 1hr & 15 min to go :D"

30 minutes later..
Guest: "UGH! How much longer do we have? This is ridiculous! I have kids, we cannot wait this long! We are so hungry. I'm about to leave! This is not right!!"
Us: Well, you checked in 1 hr and 15 minutes ago, and we said 90 min to 2 hrs..... So, it will be ready in the next 15-45 minutes :D"

15 minutes later...
Us (still smiling because this is where shit gets real funny): Well, you checked in 1 hr and 30 minutes ago, and we said 90 min to 2 hrs.... So it will definitely be ready within the next 30 minutes.


Sierra Benson said...

I'm so glad we rounded the times to the 5 mark cuz it sounded kinda shitty when we'd say
"okay, you checked in ..............
..... (doing the math)
..... (doing the math still)
17 minutes ago, we said an hour and a half to two hours, so it'll be ready in the next
..... (doing the math)
..... (doing the math still)
hour and 13 minutes to an hour an 47 minutes"

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